Thursday, October 9, 2014

Seduction Through Witchcraft (and your pet turtle)

Unrequited love is like being buried alive in a heart-shaped coffin.
YES I'm going through this AGAIN so I'm gonna bleed here for a bit and I just hope it's not too cringe-inducing for those happy souls entwined in the blissful embrace of some form of relationship that isn't sour yet that is more awesome than anything and certainly better than this chicken & capellini in homemade sauce made from the tears of the clearly unwanted, dined on alone in an empty apartment that mocks my existence with hollow echoes of utter, utter solitude.

Haha - just kidding. I have a cat, it's not that empty (the mocking continues, however).
Months of correspondence with someone who is an 80% match with my twisted soul and I was reading her all wrong so big deal, it's my fault for wishing too much and JESUS when that oxytocin starts pumping through your system like nitro in a dragster's fuel lines (see last entry) the mind goes completely batshit with infatuation-fantasies and damn I feel stupid now. But not really because it's human and we all go through it and blah blah blah and honestly I've done this so many times in my life I actually have a planned schedule on how to survive the emotion-bombed process in a complicated chart that helps immeasurably (okay it's a big photo of a bottle of Jack Daniels).


soliloquy into a dead phone

I want to experience life with you;
drink beer with you
walk down shitty alleys in the rain with your hand in mine
hear you sneeze from another room
miss you when you're out
wonder about a look you gave me the other day
ride in a cab with you
fall asleep with you in a booth in the Ovaltine Cafe
only to be shaken awake by an aggravated waitress
hold your hair back as you vomit in the toilet
place your surprised smile in the palm of eternity
smell cigarette smoke in your hair
bring you tea when you're sick in bed with a spike of whiskey obviously
see you cry to know you're human and be shaken to the core by it
feel your heartbeat with my ear to your breast
taste something you've made seen something you've made be a part of your history
crumble to dust in our old age together knowing this hasn't all
been some sort of mistake

Now was that so bad?

I haven't given up hope, though, and thankfully before passing out naked-drunk halfway through my door into the hallway of the lobby last night I dug this thing out of my collection and prepared to woo her through falsitudes and Satan probably. Apparently I still need a beetle and a live turtle though so maybe I'll do it next week.
And, yes, of course I'm kidding; if I can't win the Morticia to my Gomez, the Connie to my Dee Dee Ramone, the Poison Ivy to my Lux Interior, the Mallory to my Mickey over with my wit and charm then I'll just OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE! 

So here we have something that has seen other music blogs before but so what it's awesome.

Recorded in 1969 by the world's only "Officially Appointed Official Witch" (it's true), this gem of echoey weirdness will ensure you get some form of love from somebody somewhere - perhaps in an orgy - if you do the exact steps necessary for what it is you're looking for. If that sounds vague, take a look at the tracks on the album;

The Self Fascination Ritual for Increased Power
The Isis Full Moon Ring for Magical Protection
The Demon Spell for Energy
Orgies: A Tool of Witchcraft
Sun Sign Amulets for Spiritual Protection
The Coleopterous Charm for Romantic Adventure
The Turkish Bean Spell for Tender Love
Seduction Spells From Around the World
The Emotional Bondage Spell
The Earthquake Spell for Unwanted Lovers
Witches and Wizzards

Yeah and there's no way in hell you're not listening to this. And play on some windy half-drunk night preferably inside a pentagram (which historically is NOT 'satanic' so there) with wild animals scampering about and for christ's sake buy a cloak already.

Download here:
Seduction Through Witchcraft 

(There's click/hiss in the first few tracks, but removed thereafter)

And check out her site! (Looks like it hasn't been updated since '03)

I'm off to sob uncontrollably and/or watch American Horror Story.


Anonymous said...

Hey long time no see! Cool to know this thing is still going strong, thanks or uploading